FREE TO AIR
The Queen's Christmas Message, 7.20pm, ABC
Fads may come and go (and a couple of errant daughters-in-law with them), but what would Christmas be without the Queen's message? Kicked off in 1932 by her grandfather, George V, the Christmas message is a tradition that has been continued almost every year since. And while it may only be 10 minutes long, it's a neat summation of the year as she sees it. It's also more proof the Queen is a woman to be admired. Yes, admired. She's 88 and puts most of the other members of the royal family to shame with her work ethic (seriously, besides popping out heirs and applying copious amounts of eyeliner, what does Catherine do?). So, monarchist or not, raise a glass to Elizabeth this Christmas, for if she were not passing by, it would be Charles catching our eye.
Royal Variety Performance 2014, 7.30pm, ABC
Despite my love for the Queen, I'm not here to defend the existence of the Royal Family. They are a very privileged lot, who live a corgi-filled life stuffed with endless scones and large, complicated hats. However, on this night, spare a thought for Wills and Kate – the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – as they sit in the royal box at the London Palladium and politely endure such seminal acts as McBusted, Demi Lovato and Britain's Got Talent winner Collabro (I have no idea, either). Yes, this is what the Royal Variety Performance has come to. Where once we had the Beatles and John Lennon telling the well-heeled audience in 1963 to "rattle your jewellery" in lieu of clapping their hands, we now have One Direction's Harry Styles sporting a man bun.
The Amazing Race (final), 10.45pm, Seven
After last week's thriller in Manila, four teams are racing to Los Angles in the final episode of the 25th season of The Amazing Race. Will the #sweetscientists (all teams have a hashtag now) Amy and Maya be able to catch up? Will #thedentists Misti and Jim use their glow-in-the-dark teeth to read a map in the dead of night? Will #thewrestlers Adam and Brooke use their questionable brains or rely on brawn? Will the #soulsurfers be anything other than bland? Who knows! I just want host Phil Keoghan to jink an eyebrow, making for a very merry Christmas indeed.
Louise Rugendyke
PAY TV
The Divide, SoHo, 8.30pm
Things have shifted up a gear in this tense legal thriller. Christine Rosa (Marin Ireland) and the team at the Innocence Initiative failed to stop the execution of the wrongly convicted Jared Bankowski, but they did succeed in springing Terry Kucik (Joe Anderson) from prison. Now everyone – Rosa, Kucik, the family of DA Adam Page (Damon Gupton) – is running their own search for the killers. And tonight the baddies start pushing back. This episode is memorable for a riveting performance by Reg Cathey as the Page family's Uncle Bobby. The writing by series creator Richard LaGravenese – who wrote The Fisher King and The Bridges of Madison County and did an uncredited rewrite of Erin Brockovich – remains top-notch. Looks like it's going to be a wild ride to the end of the series.
Chicago PD, SoHo, 8.30pm
Tonight's crime of the week is too close to home for violent detective Hank Voight (Jason Beghe) – his own feckless son, Justin (Josh Segarra), is tangled up in an underworld murder. With Voight being squeezed between his criminal connections and his internal affairs handler (Robin Weigert), and his second-in-command (Jon Seda) seemingly about to flip on him, there was potential for this to be a kinetic, nail-biting and series-defining episode. Sadly, it fizzles.
Brad Newsome
MOVIES
The Sound of Music (1965), Ten, 6.30pm
Critics should always admit when they get something terribly wrong and I got The Sound of Music terribly wrong. I was 14 at the time and staying with relatives in Albury over Christmas. My grandmother took all the children to The Sound of Music at the local theatre. But I found the film so grotesquely awful that I threw a tantrum during intermission in a failed attempt to go home. I sulked through the second half, vowing to denounce this syrupy nonsense for as long as I was privileged to live. And I did, repeatedly calling it "The Sound of Mucus", unaware until reading the superb autobiography of lead actor Christopher Plummer that he had invented the phrase during filming.
I was not alone in my displeasure, it seems. Thirty-four years later, I saw Stephan Elliott's Welcome to Woop Woop, with its joyous and cheeky homage to The Sound of Music. I dashed to a store, bought a DVD and watched the whole film again. To my amazement, I adored every frame, with its spectacular Salzburg locations and 65mm photography, Plummer at his most charismatic and camp, Julie Andrews sweet and convincingly naive as Maria, and Eleanor Parker superb as the jealous baroness. I once agreed with actor Doug McClure, who said watching The Sound of Music was "like being beaten to death by a Hallmark card". I now think it an unalloyed delight.
Shaolin Soccer (2001), SBS2, 6.30pm
A brilliant but avaricious young soccer player, Golden Leg Fun (NgMan Tat), makes a very bad decision in pursuit of a quick buck. It is a decision that leads to a life of poverty and pain, with zero hope in sight. That is, until decades later he encounters an equally disadvantaged youth, Mighty Steel Leg Sing (the film's writer-director, Stephen Chow). While ostensibly a comedy about soccer, and it is hilarious at times, this is a sweetly told moral tale.
Scott Murray
