Comment: Words of wisdom are just failing to be wise

A verbose, Caucasian perspective? Can do, mates. And for any members of the taxpaying public wondering if this is another case of overconfidence compensating for a lack of insight and skill, let me just say this: fair enough.

But aside from belonging to a professional demographic that rarely suffers major consequences, I do feel I can’t really go wrong here. Because no matter which of my many opinions I share, there’s a trail of permanently terrible quasi-truths so bafflingly awful, I will always be at worst, history’s second most misguided source of wisdom.

Ever heard anyone say, “two wrongs don’t make a right?” or “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?” What the hell does that even mean? “It takes a thief to catch a thief.” Um, also maybe a cop?

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts?” A bit racist.                                                                    

You might recognise these parcels of profoundness as English proverbs. Or English wrongverbs - as they are commonly called, by me.

“Patience is a virtue?”. “If you play with fire you’ll get burned?” How many different ways can you state the bloody obvious?

Anyway, they’re all bad. And more importantly, worse than anything I’ll ever write.

To pad out the rest of the space I’ve been allocated here, I’m going to critique a few more.

“A watched pot never boils”. Yes it’s boring (and painful if you get too close) but if you are operating your stove properly you are going to get it done.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away”. Clearly someone hasn’t seen A Walk to Remember.

“The pen is mightier than the sword,” – Hey, I know let’s put Hemingway and William Wallace in a cage fight and see how it turns out.

“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”. At our school discos we had the dry ice smoke machines and the only thing burning was the shame of constant rejection. Checkmate.

“One swallow does not a summer make,” – Okay Yoda.

“A job well done is its own reward”. This is a clear foreshadowing of late-stage capitalism. Every time you say this an unpaid intern loses their wings or dies from malnutrition.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” You mean the cover which also has the name of the book, the author, a blurb, price tag? Dumb.

“Honesty is the best policy” – loooool.

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger,” – Again,  A Walk to Remember.

“Too many cooks spoil the broth,” A good way to get out of helping in the kitchen, nothing more.

“Many hands make light work.” Now hang-on a minute, should I help out or am I just another “cook” in the way of a delicious “broth”?

“Don’t put too many irons in the fire,” – So… don’t help with dinner or blacksmithing… but do help with everything else?

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Given the impending overhaul of poultry welfare guidelines this is plainly terrible agribusiness advice.

“All roads lead to Rome.” No they don’t.

“Actions speak louder than words,” Unless that action is grabbing a megaphone. 

I would suggest speaking is the loudest way to employ the English language.

“If you want something done right, do it yourself.” I snapped my leg in half in 2004 in a horrific sporting incident. A month later I had to get it re-broken in order for it to heal. Surgeons feared I may never walk properly again. Frankly, I’m glad it wasn’t me, but a highly-trained medical team who took care of things. 

“A golden key can open any door.” – Not in the Resident Evil series it can’t. (Bit of a gaming reference for ya there).

“A prophet is not recognized in his own land.” – Now we’re getting somewhere. I feel seen.

“All good things must come to an end,” – Like this column?

“Laughter is the best medicine.” – Four words: A. Walk. To. Remember.

Alex Druce is a Fairfax journalist.