Watching your hometown under fire threat from the sidelines

We were warned the conditions were dangerous that day, but when the phone dinged, notifying me a fire within my watch zone of the Hazards Near Me app had broken out, the panic began to seep in.

There's something ultimately unnerving about finding out your local area is in danger, but feeling 'powerless' to help.

This was how I felt when I was sitting at my desk in Wollongong when the fire broke out at Coolagolite on the NSW Far South Coast on Tuesday October 3.

The trouble with the wind conditions that day was that the scale of the damage was unpredictable, the same went for how far it would spread.

When I first heard there was a fire breaking out near Quaama (about 25km inland from Bermagui) my heart broke as I thought, 'oh no, not again'.

To have a fire of this scale and devastate the area so quickly, and so early, in the bushfire season has left me, like many others I imagine, feeling helpless.

Possibly one of the worst parts of seeing fires break out in your area while you're 349km away from your home, is the feeling that you are too far to help prepare and to support those around you.

While the fires didn't directly affect my home in any way, seeing it within my watch zone, and knowing how quickly it could spread, brought about this crushing, sinking feeling in my stomach as I thought to myself 'how bad is this going to be?'.

How many properties and places I call home will be ravaged by that fire? How will my local fire brigades fare during this time? I visualised the familiar faces I knew and wished them safety, not knowing yet if they'd been called out for the fire or not.

I started to pace the room, restless and barely able to focus on my university classes that I had returned to Wollongong for. How could I when back home people were being instructed to either prepare their homes or evacuate.

Despite the flurry of worry in my mind and the countless calls back and forth with family, I began to notice the incredible work my team at ACM was doing as they pushed out as much information as they could to inform the public about what was going on.

Within minutes my team had banded together, communicating every bit of useful information and pictures they could and I was inspired in that moment, by the ways they worked together during a time when every minute counted.

I am reminded that in these moments of chaos, the inspiring sides of humanity shine through, as people do everything they can to help.

Watching this fire from afar made me realise how affected I have been by the fires in 2019.

I can smell the smoke just by looking at the pictures. It brings back clear flashbacks of that summer. I'm able to turn on some inner switch of rationality that tells me, it's just smoke.

But is it though? Is it just smoke or is it a way to compartmentalise the worry about the danger associated with it, put it in a box and tuck it away.

I also have guilt for feeling triggered. While towns burned around us during the summer, my own home was safe. I feel like an impostor. I can't act triggered because I'm not a bushfire survivor, I can't talk about trauma because I was technically safe. The fire never reached my home.

But it did affect us, it affected everyone in some way or another. Like many others I constantly checked my fire app, I packed my car, evacuated my home and mentally prepared to lose my home.

I saw places I grew up in burn and I saw people I knew devastated by the loss and it hurt in ways deeper than I could have imagined.

I may not have lost my home or belongings that summer, but I did lose my peace of mind and deep down something else made its home there. A little warning system within myself letting me know there'd be more fires.

Now it's just a waiting game, an uncertainty on whether we'll be affected by fires and when that might be.

If there's one thing I'm grateful for in my role in the media, is being able to see just how much people do in trying to educate, prepare and fight fires.

We are so lucky to have volunteers put in the extra time in their lives to train, practice and then teach the rest of us how to be safe.

I think in hindsight it is so important that we listen to the warnings and prepare our homes before the strong weather conditions kick in because in cases like these, the fires can break out sooner than you imagine.

I'm also grateful to be in a position where I can see and hear the stories of all the people on the ground who stand up for when it counts and offer a hand.

If nothing else, despite all the triggers these harsh conditions bring, at least we are seeing a return to people extending their hands back out as the spirit of community re-strengthens yet again.

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